Saturday, August 7, 2010

JJS Names his Dog

News from correspondent Flossy Onenoat

Jonathon Jason SJoojaard of the Broken Elbow Creek area was given a dog. Well, actually somebody dumped an older pup at his mailbox and the mutt sauntered into his yard yipping for attention.

JJS needed a dog. His old furry friend, Edsel Ford, died recently. Jonathon Jason has a penchant for giving his dogs double names. Some might call their pooch "Sam Adams", but JJ talked to his son the computer programmer and they decided on "Hello World".

That name lasted for about a day and a half. JJ's wife, Sarah Marie, did not like calling out "Hello, World" just in case a neighbor or the rural mail carrier heard her and decided she was going crazy. The poor dog then got into their house and made some messes and chewed up some furniture.

JJ then decided on "PEE PARTY" as the mutt's name, but Sarah Marie was even less thrilled with calling that out then she had been with "Hello, World". So they could remember the name with the connotations, they changed it to "TEA PARTY".

The mutt also tore into shirts and jeans hanging on the clothesline and JJ has also learned, "That dog don't hunt, neither." But, TEA PARTY does eat very well and then literally moans before passing copious foul-smelling gas.

Recently Sarah Marie's neighbor Doris called her complaining she had not slept well because her dog had barked and howled half the night. It had heard TEA PARTY howling at the moon and joined in the out-of-tune chorus.

By now, Sarah Marie and JJS have had TEA PARTY for a few months. The mutt did not approve of the old doghouse so they built him a new one. He promptly chewed out a new "window".

Sarah Marie sighed with her neighbor, "TEA PARTY got his name by chance, but it sure turned out to be appropriate. He eats free lunch, then pisses and moans. He is a free loader unhappy with his gifts. Now and then, if he gets a chance, he will chew up the furniture howling in glee. He also nearly digests shoes and gloves he finds. He howls insanely at the moon and stirs up the neighborhood."

Doris laughed and said, "We castrated our dog and he settled down a lot. Wait until early November and call your vet about your crazy furry friend."

[Editor's note: We could not find any advertiser willing to support this post]

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A new correspondent from Carbuncle Township

Good news coming soon here at Mt.Flogmore. The Dead Ditch News was shut down just before April 15. It seems the publisher had a touch of Alzheimer's disease and forgotten to pay federal income taxes for the last 25 years. Why that might be good news involves us getting aa new correspondent who once graced the pages of the now defunct paper with straight reporting from the irrelevant area of the country. Flossy Onenoat (pronounced "one note") started writing to pass the time after her husband Wiley Onenoat died after choking on one of Flossy's boiled bologna slices.

But enough of yesterday's news..really today's history...from Carbuncle Township right in the heart of Bunion Gap hay country.

Flossy says, "Just wait, I will be getting out all the news about who motored all the way to Rapid City or negotiated all the tight curves between here and Sioux Falls. And you can bet I get the names of all the kids and grandchildren into the back seat to speak."

Bet you just can't wait. Apparently she still thinks she will be paid by the word.

This post generously sponsored by:

Please note, lawyer ads are entered automatically and do not necessarily mean Mt. Flogmore endorses their practice (or practices).

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

** Limited Hilarity we have physics jokes

Unlike the high levels of intensely funny posts and comments at prize-winning windy foggy Mt. Blogmore that can lead to nearly uncontrolled bouts of belly laughs, Mt. Flogmore is much more restrained. So, check some physics humor at the site below. Don't feel too bad if you don't get a joke or if it doesn't seem funny, some of the jokes really aren't funny.
Physlink Fun and Jokes

The committee has decided that humor here will not push the limits of Sunday school humor even if most Sunday school teachers have never heard of physics, have little sense of humor, and not the foggiest idea of what a mathematical limit might be.

This post generously sponsored by:

Team working on acceptable exclamations !!!

Mt. Flogmore has an ace team working on allowed word list for exclamations (note, not for an expletive list). This is slow tedious work however so don't expect much too soon. A few decisions have been made as of April 13, 2010.

"Golly" is now acceptable. "Golly Gee" is OK even if a bit redundant or excessive. The liturgical linguist team is still considering "Golly Gee Whiz", but has already ruled out "Take a whiz". Obviously this is touchy, tricky work, but our team is willing to work with dangerous turns of phrase even if more peril than pearls turn up.

Work (A four-letter word, incidentally)is progressing slowly. One time saving omission will save time. The team does not plan to make a forbidden exclamation list because such lists tend to become handbooks. Our team does not want to become hopelessly warped like cops who spend all their time looking for details in child pornography images must become.

Keep waiting though if your favorite exclamation hasn't been added to the list yet. The team is now considering "Gosh" and "GOSH !!" and "WOW", but these terms have nearly caused a team split up. We hope they will not have such trouble with "Oh,Bosh".

Golly, this has proved to be a surprisingly tough job for the team, but they are up to it even if they must get new bifocals. Readers should be relieved however, the team does not plan to go fishing or praying or even preying anytime until they finish the job.

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Monday, April 12, 2010

She is not yet banned from Mt. Blogmore

I doubt the real Juanita Jean..rumored to actually be Susan DuQuesnay Bankston or a very, very close friend would ever post here at Mt. Flogmore or at Mt. Blogmore, but if you are a rabid Democrat or even gasp..a Republican with a genuine sense of humor, and a desire to know anything about the Brazos River in Texas...well maybe the information on the River is less than helpful, click on the link below.
A most dangerous Beauty Salon

The current site name is somewhat less offensive than the previous incarnation. This one is unlikely to curl your hair despite the name compared to the previous more colorful site name.

Nice weather for the Sunday School Picnic at Mt. Blogmore

Beautiful weather for the Sunday School Picnic at Mt. Blogmore. Picnic lunch was delicious. Even the pickles were sweet. Well actually nearly cloyingly sweet, but that is a matter of taste. The Kool-Aid was almost addictive. Very few of the children had ever tasted it before. The adults thought it was an old familiar flavor however. Maybe it was orange or cherry with the wrong color. The sandwiches were delicious, but awfully small and the meat tasted a bit like Black Hills venison which gave the sandwiches an entirely appropriate pine flavor.

Obviously, no booze was served, and there were no stag movies or even voyeur bondage flicks, so there were no national GOP figures of prominence attending. No rapes were reported either. Sarah Palin was scheduled to fly in, but the fog prevented her from getting in. It was rumored however that the plane was actually being used by her to hunt moose or wolves or just to shoot up chunks of floating ice before those targets disappeared completely.

There were no actual quotations of Biblical text, but Darwin was attacked with vigor while even Catholic priests with undue fondness for children were defended.

Obviously a slow news day on the far west wing of the plains of Dakota.